"I think I am afraid to be happy because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens" - Charlie Brown.
This was constantly how I felt about everything. I pushed everything away & treated the most important people around me like they were worthless to me. I constantly tried to justify my actions because I knew I was constantly in the wrong. I never did anything for anyone else for the right reasons, I wasn't selfish but I just didn't ever care enough. I am so insecure about myself I use it as a sort of escape plan when I feel like I am crashing again.
Some say the strongest people are the ones that aren't afraid to ask for help when they can no longer help themselves. I hate the look of disappointment in peoples faces when I have to ask for help. I hate not being able to sort my own problems out & deal with them myself so I let them take over & wait for someone else to realize & then it gets to the point where they have to step in & help.
I hate failure. Failing is a sign of weakness & isn't a good personal trait, but even the greatest of people had to fail before they succeeded. So am I just using it as another excuse? That I hate failure so I refuse to fail & refuse to ask for help because then I wouldn't be succeeding on my own?
I don't come from a close family, in actual fact my family is kind of dysfunctional & broken. Granted we are far from the worst family, but to me its a big deal. I envy families that have the big things, Christmases, Birthdays, Reunions etc. We don't do those things my family barely speaks to each, I haven't seen half of my cousins in over 3 years maybe even longer & my other ones I don't even know much about them. My Grandparents were kind of the link between us for a while, but they don't even care anymore & when my Father had a heart attack this year his own sister didn't even call him.
Ever since I was little my Father has told me I am a lot smarter than people think. I know he is right but I guess I am lazy, I got bored at school so I pretended I didn't get it or I just didn't care. I think all but two of my teachers gave up on me because they thought I couldn't do it & didn't care if I failed. I didn't pass grade 11 or 12 I am actually surprised they let me graduate but they did & I regret not attempting to pass. My Mother always said school isn't for everyone & I think she is right, I have the best job in a career that I actually contemplated pursuing for the last three years of school.
It is weird how that one quote made me think of all of that, made me really think about the way I have seen the last few years.
