Ugly truth & emotions.

"I think I am afraid to be happy because whenever I get to happy, something bad always happens" - Charlie Brown.

This was constantly how I felt about everything. I pushed everything away & treated the most important people around me like they were worthless to me. I constantly tried to justify my actions because I knew I was constantly in the wrong. I never did anything for anyone else for the right reasons, I wasn't selfish but I just didn't ever care enough. I am so insecure about myself I use it as a sort of escape plan when I feel like I am crashing again.

Some say the strongest people are the ones that aren't afraid to ask for help when they can no longer help themselves. I hate the look of disappointment in peoples faces when I have to ask for help. I hate not being able to sort my own problems out & deal with them myself so I let them take over & wait for someone else to realize & then it gets to the point where they have to step in & help.

I hate failure. Failing is a sign of weakness & isn't a good personal trait, but even the greatest of people had to fail before they succeeded. So am I just using it as another excuse? That I hate failure so I refuse to fail & refuse to ask for help because then I wouldn't be succeeding on my own?

I don't come from a close family, in actual fact my family is kind of dysfunctional & broken. Granted we are far from the worst family, but to me its a big deal. I envy families that have the big things, Christmases, Birthdays, Reunions etc. We don't do those things my family barely speaks to each, I haven't seen half of my cousins in over 3 years maybe even longer & my other ones I don't even know much about them. My Grandparents were kind of the link between us for a while, but they don't even care anymore & when my Father had a heart attack this year his own sister didn't even call him.

Ever since I was little my Father has told me I am a lot smarter than people think. I know he is right but I guess I am lazy, I got bored at school so I pretended I didn't get it or I just didn't care. I think all but two of my teachers gave up on me because they thought I couldn't do it & didn't care if I failed. I didn't pass grade 11 or 12 I am actually surprised they let me graduate but they did & I regret not attempting to pass. My Mother always said school isn't for everyone & I think she is right, I have the best job in a career that I actually contemplated pursuing for the last three years of school.

It is weird how that one quote made me think of all of that, made me really think about the way I have seen the last few years.

"I don't love you." He said.
"Good I don't want you too" She whispered.

"Then what do you want from me?" He asked.
"Nothing." She replied faintly.

"Don't lie to me, I can tell when you're lying your lips do that nervous shake and you can't look at me" He said moving closer to her.
"I don't want anything from you." She said, holding back tears.

"Stop lying!" He yelled, as he grabbed her.
"Why would it matter what I want? You said you don't love me." She said through pained tears.

"I was always the better liar." He smiled back, holding her face in his warm hands wiping away her tears, he kissed her and then reassured her.

"I am scared to love you again."

Ancient History.

The feelings undeniable. You can't tell where it came from, when it began, or when its going to finish, but its there. Its existing. Its sitting dormant at the bottom of your gut, waiting for that person. Then when you see that person, it explodes and ruptures into a thousand butterflies fighting a war against the wall of your stomach. It dries your mouth & wipes it of an intelligent words. It causes your kneecaps to melt away, leaving you with shaky legs & the struggle to stay upright. It crawls across your face & carefully removes any trace of dignity you may have left there & slinks away laughing at the goofy mess it has created.

It makes you want to cry tears of happiness & laugh in frustration that you can't figure out what's wrong with you. It grabs your hand and drags you to places that you once feared, but you now see they're not so bad. But mostly it overpowers all other emotions or feelings that anyone or anything else exists because you're still caught up in that moment you saw that persons smile, the one that makes you catch your breath & causes your heart to jump around excitedly.

Tick.

Nervous. As you stumble around looking for that morning pick me up, the one you have been craving since that final bump the night before.
That thing that will get you through the day. A day full of fake, fake smiles, fake people, a faker you.

Who knows when the downfall of the young began, but another bright young thing takes the fall. Admired by all, loved by none. She wont make it through this day.

Dirty Sheets.

While your crawling out of that bed you've been in far too many times before, you think he cares?
He loves you? No.
He just knows how tightly he has you wrapped around his finger, he knows his smile can make you go weak at the knees and he knows your weakness more than most.
You said you'd never be that girl, well congratulations & good luck with being this season dirty little secret.

Don't Try.

I tried to be a better person.
I tried to be everything you needed.
I tried not to hurt you.

I was never good at succeeding, especially when it came to you.

Lights, Camera & Action.

It must hurt.
When you realize, no one is ever who they pretend to be.
This isn't a movie. The emotions are real.
The people you leave do care.
It must hurt.
To realize, your sad, lost, alone & soon to be just another thought.
You will be missed.

Show Me Your Colours.

I wish you could see all the colours in the sky tonight. Sit with me and watch me take photos to capture the beauty that no one would believe such a harsh, cruel world could produce.
I know how you feel about these colours. How they fall into each other they let go of another day in this place & the world turns to night.
It gets colder and you move closer, goosebumps and I'm not sure whether they are from the cold winds or from your gentle touch.

Animal Instincts.

Nights are easy, it's mornings that I struggle with. I must be part owl. I hate sunlight during winter, so then I must be part bear. What a pity I couldn't be part lion so I could be brave and fearless.
I know I'm loyal & I'll keep your secrets, your hopes, your dreams, desires & fantasies, even your fears. I'll hold you when your sad even if you wont admit it to me. I'll celebrate your triumphs and reassure you after your downfalls.
I'll watch you grow as a person and hold your hand during all the good & bad. I'll bring the sunshine back into your life after your darkest hours.
I may walk away, but I'll never walk out or be gone long, I'll be back the second you need me.

Love does crazy things to people who are ready to let crazy into their lives.

Power of the ex

You scare me still.
My heart races when we talk.

Its no longer a fun feeling.

You

Were a big big part of my life for a long long time.
Then you vanished and I wondered if you thought about me.
Thoughts of the things we knew about each other.
I wish you were closer.

To Lie

I'm not going to.
Yes you will, you always do.
No.
How can you...
How can I what?
Feel no remorse.
I don't know, just leave it.

Love

Wow you have your ups and your downs.
But they bring on those smiles and them frowns.
Boy, for now this is the closest we will get to that real thing.

I love you.